that's an acceptable place to lick
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
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