I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
