anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
