alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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