i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
