Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
