id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
