I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
