Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
