a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
