You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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