right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
