I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just had sex on a roof
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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