if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just found a bag of teeth...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
