Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
