thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
