I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
