Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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