I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
