Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
