i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
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