Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Text me some of your sweat
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
