Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
