Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
