I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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