I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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