I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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