i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
