well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
