Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
