Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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