You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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