I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
