I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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