I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
