i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Found the puke drawer
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
