I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
