I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
