woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
