you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
