I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
