evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
They took my balls.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Randomize
