you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
