What did we do last night that was yellow?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
