And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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