How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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