Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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