She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
