So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
