yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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