Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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