So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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