maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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