You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
