Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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