Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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