so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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