i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
