Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Randomize
