the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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