I'm going to rape someone's good day.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
