i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
